Anguish
Yesterday, after a couple stressful days, I found myself on top of a ladder on my back porch. A sudden wave of dizziness hit me like- well… a wave. I was forced to stop and hold on. I had a choice to continue with my task and push through it or retreat to safety. I thought if I fall it would result in even more stress. But of course, either way, it sent me into a long thought spiral of, “why do I keep getting dizzy, what’s wrong with me, why can’t I get a handle on anything in my life?”
I know how dangerous these thought spirals are and how they only lead to more anxiety, more dizziness, more depression and more sickness.
I knew I needed help fast. I retreated from my anxiety-anxiety-in-the-sky and turned on some comforting Christian music.
I immediately burst into tears.
Tears of the last few weeks’ stress, regret of how certain things are evolving, the loss of family with the holidays coming up. The knowledge that no matter what I do or how hard I try or don’t try — someone is always going to be mad.
The only relief is death and even then, someone would be mad. Mad that I didn’t say goodbye or say sorry or do what they wanted in order for them to have peace.
So I have to rely on what I have at hand to comfort myself. I have to choose life even in the midst of these challenges.
Sometimes, in these moments, the anguish in the pit of my stomach is unbearable. I want to scream out in pain. It makes me think of my son back in the days of when his addiction started. I now see the stress he was under in running a business and keeping everyone satisfied and what decisions he had to choose from when it all became too much.
In my soon to be released book: “1000 Last Goodbyes”, I wrote about a classmate of mine whose son had a great life and told his wife he was going to grab some food and went out into the garage and shot himself. It was a complete shock to everyone. He had no substance use or history of depression.
Tragedies like these leave families suffering in anguish for the rest of their life — wondering why. Why would someone choose this? Why didn’t they reach out?
In addiction, families find themselves in anguish over the choices their loved ones make. They can’t seem to get the answers of why did they start and why do they continue to self harm.
But after spending years writing my book, I now think that my son’s choice to self medicate saved his life many times. By calming down his nervous system and slowing his racing thoughts long enough for him to breathe, he was able to remain comfortable in his own own skin and maintain his life.
Unfortunately the reward system gets skewed with high levels of dopamine that are in some drugs and soon it can’t operate on its own without the substance. It requires more and more to achieve the same comfort. Even simple things derive zero pleasure so it sends them back again and again to even be able to function in their own skin.
In this Addiction 101 video by Kevin McCarty on my website, it explains the dopamine needs of the body and how we can’t even get out of bed if we don’t have a certain amount.
The late Matthew Perry said something to the affect “it felt like honey in my veins” when talking about opioids (He said he never did heroin).
He knew that he wanted that feeling and that it made everything feel Ok even if it wasn’t.
I know that feeling of relief when I’ve been in physical pain from a toothache or surgery.
Likewise, just like yesterday, in my moments of emotional anguish, I often think if I had a comforting “old friend” that never judged me or got mad and always made me feel spectacular; I would have taken it in a New York minute.
All people choose a variety of activities and habits to self sooth, yet those addicted are judged extensively for their choice of self-soothing. I do understand that some stress relievers are not harmful to others and are not as self- destructive as substances. That’s why I know how important my precious choices are in these moments of anguish.
- Surrounding myself with positive things and people.
- Cleaning and beautifying my space.
- Reading good books and watching inspiring things.
All of these very conscious proactive measures will help guide me out of the thought spirals that I find myself in, even when on top of a ladder. Then when I’m in the middle of the spell, in that moment of terror, I can utilize present coping skills such a deep breathing, or box breathing.
Or utilize the 5,4,3,2,1 grounding technique.
Hopefully with practice, I can be ready when those “Dizzy spells” occur I can stop and just Hold on.
And when that doesn’t work, hold on tighter.