Building Emotional Walls
For years I’ve built many walls. Each time I felt slighted or scared, used or hurt, I would add another brick. Brick by brick I would cement each one with emotionally resistant mortar to ensure that I wouldn’t get hurt again.
One day I woke up wondering why I felt so trapped. The walls were so tall I couldn’t see a thing! If they were to protect me then why did I feel like crap? I’m supposed to be happier by avoiding hurt. My bubble of bricks wasn’t all that bubbly if it couldn’t reach inside and place a warm compress on my still aching heart.
I wanted to be in control of my pain and I thought isolating me up like the Boy in The Plastic Bubble, would keep me in control.
By controlling who and what I let into my world, I would surely be healed of all these frailties.
But I wasn’t healing.
I was miserable.
Without having the opportunity to approach these issues; I was stuck in my own vortex of insecurity and trepidation.
All the times I had said,
If only people would stop bothering/being mean/ attacking my character/lying to me.
Or
If only that group/company/ race or class of people/boss/ friend would pull their heads out and do what I want them to do; then my life would be manageable and tolerable and I would thrive.
When you find yourself becoming bitter, angry or acting in defensive ways; whether it be from a traumatic event like a hurricane (which triggers a fear of dying or suffering) or from rejection (triggering feelings of loss & judgment) or from the piling on of negative “events” outside your control (triggering the fear of completely losing control of your life & freedom); the natural instinct is fight or flight.
If you fight, it creates more resistance.
If you run — - or hide in walls — you are only delaying the inevitable.
Even being isolated in my brick fortress couldn’t stop my self misery from overflowing and seeping through. Even bricks get condensation and moisture on them causing rot, decay and mold.
Allowing these emotions to take that much space in your precious body keeps the cycle going. So where were my thoughts going if there weren’t any outside influences directly in my face to trigger me?
My thoughts were still in the offense. And in the offensive. I was still replaying my story of hurt or unfairness. I was justifying my pity party by remaining hidden in “safeness”.
In these moments, it’s important to find your ability to return to the place you left off!!! BEFORE these thoughts overtook your head! Return to when you felt safe & loved! Return to when you completely loved your innocent self before you built these walls around your heart. That might be your inner child. Your sweet innocent inner child.
This isn’t hiding your head in the sand. It’s preserving your energy & returning to taking care of what you can. The things that are right in front of you — not the “what ifs”.
It’s giving attention to your own fearful, cracked tender heart & telling it that it will survive this. Until then, you’re not going to be living in fear & drive wedges between those you interact with.
If someone is assaulting your character and you can’t bring yourself to thank them for making you see how much this is triggering in you–then return to love–silently in your own heart.
Before the fear came.
Before your thoughts of how awful they are to judge you. Thank them silently for making you realize how much you Need to return to loving thoughts of them & their painful journey that YOU MUST be triggering in them!
Being able to intentionally thank anything that makes you realize you need more self-care & acceptance; (because kicking yourself or feeling guilty or fearful does not return you to a loving place of empowerment)– but being grateful can.
Turn off the TV if it’s causing stress & strain in the morning or at night. I feel this every time I watch the news before work: I’m irritable, fearful, driving angrier, not breathing deep & cleansing. In these moments of rumination and discontent– I’m not extending love to anyone or contributing to the healing of the world.
Love. It really is the answer to overcoming Every other emotion! Even if it's love you're giving to yourself.
It’s better than holding myself captive in a cage of my own self sabotage design.
Return to love
We ALL need it–even if and especially if it comes from ourselves TO ourselves.