Standing in the Gap of Life and Death
I live in an in-between world. A world where ongoing trauma is a misunderstood phenomenon. I live in the world of addiction. Not my own, but my son’s.
I live between the gap of hope and the despair of receiving THE CALL.
The call means he’s gone.
Unconventional grief is grieving someone who is still alive. Sometimes called ambiguous grief, it differs from conventional grief because families are unsure if their person will heal or pass away.
People who haven’t experienced it just can’t understand the difference.
They wonder why a person seems so lost- as if she has already lost her child.
Others wonder why she keeps calling, asking, learning, discovering, and finding new avenues to help her 'child’.
She gets the "you’re crazy — lady” vibe many times, as people just stop responding even when they said they could and would help.
When she sees a glimpse of sunshine peek through the darkened clouds, she starts feeling like there is hope. But alas, other areas spontaneously combust. Other relationships, work, finances — ya know — regular stressful life. It’s as if the rest of the world doesn’t revolve around addiction 🤷♀️
It’s gut-churning. Since nothing has technically happened; it’s difficult to explain the daily stress that occurs.
The roller coaster of anticipatory grief leaves me wondering if my child is ok almost every day.
I spend my time and energy getting myself to a place of comfort, and to some sort of peace in a tornado of warped feelings.
Always searching, finding a new avenue to pull my son out of the precarious and dangerous situation he’s in; only to be let down again when the stars don’t align otherwise known as: people find out there’s no funds available.
So dear co-workers:
When I don’t seem excited about your new outfit, your after work party, your "problem" of what classes to choose for next semester and making the deadline, or your house painted just barely the wrong shade of white; it might be because I’m thinking about calling the morgue to see if there’s any John Doe’s, checking the booking report to see if there’s any arrests; then deciding what’s for dinner with a smile on my face.
